Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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