Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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