The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
jump out the window naked night went bad
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
