I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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