Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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