I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
