He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
