Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
