Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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