your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
