Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
