I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
