ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
