I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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