Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
