Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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