sarcasm needs its own font
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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