How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
