Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
