like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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