Acid is not a monday night drug
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize