i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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