if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
