I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
