How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
