I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
