I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
