I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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