i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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