If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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