I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
