He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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