I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
