Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
