im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
