i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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