We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
