Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Randomize
