Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
