dude i'm inner monologue high
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
