So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
