we have pet lesbian snakes
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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