its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Even my vagina gasped.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
