It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
