i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
