I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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