How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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