I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize