I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
