we have officially lost it.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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