just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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