I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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