We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
