I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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