The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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