Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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