You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
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