America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
