I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
