i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
